When it came to selecting a sperm donor, it felt like I was making the second biggest decision (after choosing to become a single mother by choice). All I knew at the time was to go online and search for sperm banks to find a possible donor. I had no idea what sperm banks were out there. I had no idea what to expect when it came to picking a donor. I didn’t even know about the range of donor options sperm banks offer (Directed Donors, Anonymous Donors, Open Donors, Open ID Donors).
Initially, I contemplated asking men in my life to be my donor, I even got the courage to ask one, but they kindly declined, expressing their concerns about having a child out there without being a part of their everyday life. I also discovered that, in Canada, using a known donor’s sperm involves freezing and a 6-month waiting period before insemination. Moreover, I was not comfortable with the idea of a known donor unexpectedly desiring involvement in my child’s life. I wasn’t ready to deal with the legalities of it all.
The concept of using an anonymous donor was my preference from the start. I wanted to avoid potential complications or intrusions into my child’s life, and I wanted to start the process as soon as possible. I also thought, why would my child need to connect with their biological father, they have me. I soon recognized that this decision wasn’t just about me; it was about my child’s future.
I got advice from others and my fertility counselor, and they all stressed that the choice between an open donor and an anonymous donor is a deeply personal one. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Many people I spoke to leaned towards an open donor, but I had reservations. What if my child wanted to contact their donor when they turn 18? What if they were disappointed in my choice? What if the donor didn’t meet their expectations? I reflected on these questions and realized it was fear keeping me from choosing an open donor and decided that this decision should be up to my child.
In the end, I selected an Open ID donor, because it just felt right. I realized that if I were in their shoes, I would want the freedom to know or connect with my donor. It’s a choice I wouldn’t want someone else to make for me. I figured, for the first 18 years, I’d be the main parent, but after that, if my kid wanted to find their biological father, I would be on board with that.
I knew it was the right choice for me, because once I made it, I felt lighter. Choosing the right sperm donor is a significant and personal decision, and it’s vital to choose the options that align with your values and what you believe is best for your child. I made my choice because I wanted to respect my child’s autonomy and provide them with the opportunity to know their biological father when the time was right. In the end, the choice is yours, and you can’t go wrong if you go with your gut!
Next Steps
Reema is available to help support your journey to parenthood using her personal experiences as a parent and her professional experiences as a coach. Find her on Choice Mom Coach.
Get started on your family-building goals by browsing our available donors. Do not hesitate to reach out to us if you need any assistance at (206) 558-1484 or cs@seattlespermbank.com.
